Be Where You Are

It just hit me this last week that I have a problem. As far back as I can remember in my life as a young woman and woman - as far back as eight years old I have lived with an underlying murmur of discontent about my body.

As a child and young woman, I studied ballet and dance religiously. I came straight from school every day and stayed until well after dinner. It was a love and a passion but it was also always a pain. My teachers and peers would always drive into me how imperfect my body was. No matter how strong I was or how well I danced I did not have a "dancers body" and would always have to struggle against that. Of course I could always go into modern dance but never be a ballerina, NEVER a prima ballerina, so forget it.

Well, no big deal. I got over it and in fact eventually left dance because of the negative dialogue but that body awareness came with me.

As a pre-teen and teen my mother was always on some sort of diet and exercise program. She would constantly drive into me that she had an 18" waist when she was my age. She would call me stubby and chubby and I began to join her on the diet pilgrimages. From the cabbage soup diet to the grapefruit and steak diet, from the fat cruncher energy drinks to supplemental chromium piccolinate, I did it all.

As a teenager, my mother set me up with a personal trainer and I worked out three times a day, joined sports training teams and smoked cigarettes instead of eating.

I suffered from migraines, depression, fainting spells, insomnia and lethargy. I was unhappy and still not pleased with my body. It was strong, it was fit, it carried me through but it just was not enough.

After high school I determined to get over it and take control of better health and well being. Even though I never let diet and exercise take a major role in my life - in the forefront - there was still the rumble underneath and behind all my thoughts, actions and daily life. Yes I would eat what I wanted but part of me would feel guilty. Yes I was active but always felt bad for not being active enough or of being active in the wrong ways. I would gain balance and control and let go of the rumbling dialogue and then run right back to cleanses, fasts, raw food diets, no meat, etc. Whatever it would take to clean out my body and my soul and start over again.

Well - what the hell. Here I am and have been for years now convincing my self that it's just about health and well being and as long as I am doing what makes me happy I will be fine. But then that little voice, that inner dialogue pops up and starts talking louder and louder and louder until I make a change, make a choice, go to the extreme and then fall back off again.

I am beginning to think the little voice may never go away. Whenever I shut it up it seems that everything around me in the media, on the streets, in my family and friendships - it all just starts getting louder and louder! So how do we live content, happy, healthy lives in the body we are in while still hearing the dialogue but not letting it get to us? I'm working on that right now. Let me tell you, it's not easy. And sometimes it's not fun. I feel good and strong and then sit down the wrong way and feel like I should get up and run a few miles and eat only raw fruits all week.

But I need to practice letting go; practice being exactly where I am for better or worse. I need to listen to my body and respond to what I hear instead of forcing myself to fit into what my mind thinks is right. My body knows best. I need to trust my self and my instincts and let go of the chatter.

Not to long ago, I attended a meditation class. One of the techniques they taught to us was to slowly allow the thoughts and busy mental activities to pass through you without holding on to them. Doing so, we are to count from one to ten. When we reach ten, we start over. The caveat is that when a thought arises and we pick it up then we must start all over again at one. So there I was, one..two... isn't counting a thought? shit... one..two..ouch my knee. shit... one...i am not good at this. shit... one...two... and so on. It was fun and funny to see the way I treated myself through this exercise and the way I found myself following a train of thought without even realizing it. I began to think about thoughts and what makes a thought and before I knew it I had been holding on to an internal dialogue for over ten minutes! This is what I have been doing my whole life with my body and living in my body. I must remember always to be where I am, to let these thoughts go when they arise and unlearn my negative and pressured dialogue.

Step by step I will relearn contentment and self love and I will embody it truly and honestly, not just in spurts and moments. It takes time, it takes no longer denying that the conversation is there and it take being exactly where I am... one...two...three...